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Keep Moving Forward. I AM
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Self Reflection. Monday, May 14, 2007 Pluggin' into: Lovin' you from Standard Bossa, late night moods + Maybe you're my love from Ouran High School Anime Lately, I've been having a hard time blogging. Hence, this took quite a while. I guess.. I just have a lot of things on my mind. Sometimes.. I think it's because I'm free, thus I tend to look too much into things.. then again, perhaps it's because I'm free, that I don't have anything much pushing these thoughts away. *shrugs* Haha, maybe that's the reason for the indulgence in anime and novels lately.. Today's mass was about inner peace. It made me reflect a lot, esp. about my life. I realised.. I don't open up as easily as before. As in.. I don't approach people as openly. I don't make funny faces at children without thinking anymore, nor do I help without hesitation. In fact.. today, I felt quite sad. It's like.. I shackled myself.. for a reason i can't remember. My friend surprised me once again. He was talking about taking up a course and that he couldn't make it for mass for about a month, since the training sessions take up the whole weekend. I was saying, if that's the case.. then just finish the course and come back after that la. He said, "There are weekday masses right? They're not the same as Sunday mass, but better than nothing right?" It makes me wonder.. who really is the baptised Catholic. It's not the first time.. his actions always surprise me, the extent of them. We had a church band meeting [it's band and not choir cos we have musicians too :)]. Apparently.. there are going to be major changes. Truthfully.. in the midst of that meeting, I realised that unconsciously, I had been feeling rather apprehensive. Afraid of change? I don't know.. I just remember convincing myself, "hey, change ain't that bad. Perhaps that's what we need." I also realised.. that I didn't want any responsibility. I don't mind involvement or commitment.. but responsibility just freezes me. Literally. I felt paralyzed with past memories of my leadership. "Ke wai".. I remember thinking.. is this who I really want to be? Can I break out of that casting? Is there even a casting? Can I be who I am with my close ones.. with other people? This must be the identity crisis in which psychology mentions. Oh God, save me. | |